Monday, 10 June 2013

Types of Embarrassingly Bad Kissers

(A lot of the credit goes to my sister Klarissa, and Tasha, Frankie, Baz and Ciaran for ideas :) )

The Hoover

like omg you are supposed to be massaging my lips not giving me a reverse cpr or something idk ok pls do not suck the life out of my lips that will happen when i die ok just kiss me it cant be that hard

Teeth Clasher

STAHP PLS like omg you are supposed to be kissing me not waging a war on my teeth ok omg stop banging your teeth on me with your teeth it actually is very annoying believe it or not (not ripley's believe it or not it is true ok)

The Ripper

like omg i want to keep my own piercing pls do not bite on my lips so hard my lip piercing is practically screaming you to stahp and it is not a living thing this is how bad you are (ok that was my sister she has a lip piercing but i was trying to make it dramatic ok) even without piercings it is not ok to bite my lips too hard so often that you are eating my lips it is not a delicacy you may think otherwise but i repeat my lips are not for eating ok

Frigid Kisses

pls open your mouth you are not 5 years old i thought you would have mastered kissing by now you can continue now go ahead and open your mouth and move towards my head and proceed with this process we humans call kissing ok just stop making this whole process so awkward it is not supposed to be awkward but then i suppose if it was awkward maybe we shouldnt be kissing in the first place

The Pecker

like stop pecking me you are not a woodpecker ok kiss me like a normal human being thnx i am not a chunk of wood or a tree or whatever else idk ok go to specsavers then you can see that i am a human being and i need to be loved not be drilled at on my mouth ok

The Fish

STAHP you are a human being again ok pls stop making that weird noise omg its putting me off i swear i can see bubbles coming out of you bbc breaking news you are not a goldfish surprise i know that might be hard to accept so just kiss me pls

The Washing Machine

omg you need glasses cant you not see that i am not a washing machine my tongue is not a laundry wanting to be clean there is omg such thing as too much ok pls stop confusing my tongue ok it doesnt know what to do anymore

Extreme Tongue Biter

i am adventurous i like a bit of biting oh yes pls kinky times but pls do not bite my tongue off so you can cook it and eat it i am not an ox pls ok i think its quite disgusting people eat ox tongue with tongue idk but thats just me but srsly do not bite my tongue off

"Look, No Lips!"

srsly stahp what the fuck are you doing you do not just go up to people with your tongues out like a dog srsly what are you on use your bloody lips people will run away screaming for their lifes if you approach them with your tongue out i mean seriously think about it if a giant man with a massive tongue (except gene simmons) approached you what would you have done run away yeah exactly i thought so

The Innocent

what are you an angel no okay they pls use your tongues i mean i don't mind people not kissing without tongues for a while but c'mon srsly use your tongue at one point eventually ok stop just using your mouth there is such thing as using too much mouth you are not 5 years old and no i do not have cooties ok

The Nibbler

like srsly my mouth is not a piece of food that you can just nibble off like a wee squeaky mouse ok we are not kids we can actually kiss full on like what the french people does ok although why do they call it the french kiss idk spanish people are hotter ok but yeah stop nibbling my mouth ok

The Hooter

like ok if you want to switch side and i will lean to the left or right once in a while obvs i understand but pls dont do it every 2 seconds ok i cannot move my heid like an owl coz surprise i am not an owl and neither are you look at this poor owl he is sad because when you do that he isnt good enough so when you stop switching your head he will be happy ok pls think of this poor owl you heartless bastard

The Sea

kisses from the sea shore sounds very romantic but it really isnt i mean imagine snogging at the sea face on see not pretty so it doesnt also means that i like it coming from a human being omg i mean slightly wet can be expected but stahp licking my whole face you are not a sea nor a dog or a sea dog srsly gads if you make a girl wet thats ok but wet face is not ok so pls put that tongue away

The Grim Reaper

srsly do not give me a fright to a death while kissing this is the last thing i am expecting ok i just want a good time not to find that you have been kissing me with your eyes wide open the whole time omg i need to catch my breath i want to be catching my breath after hanky panky not because you almost scared me to death omg srsly

The Mocktail

like omg how the hell can you get more than one of the above like omg you need a basic kissing lesson level 0.1 omg go and watch brokeback mountain and see how jake gylennhall and heath ledger kisses in the film i know i am gay the lesbian kind but it is not a bad place to start ok becos apparently it is very hot

1 comment:

  1. There's also the "I will kiss you so hard I will push your head off your neck, 'cause I am STRONG and MANLY and PASSIONATE." Maybe women aren't guilty of this one...?