Why I Love Deaf People

Sneezing

Hearing people:
"Ah...choo!"

Deaf people:
"AAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEHHHHH-CHUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh man that was a massive one! Let's laugh about it!"

The Loo

Hearing people:

Go straight to the loo without announcing

Deaf people:

"I'm going to the toilet right now and do a MASSIVE shit, I've been feeling it for ages!"

Weight Gain

Hearing people:

(After gaining 2 stones)

"Erm... I mean no offence or something but... just be careful because you're putting on weight and I don't want you, to know, get fat..."

Deaf people:

(After gaining 2 pounds)

"Are you pregnant or what?"

Dinners

Hearing people:
Politely eating and not speaking with their mouth full

Deaf people:
Signing all over the table, fork smashes plate, knife makes a loud grinding noise with plate (sounds like cutlery sex), opening mouth with pieces of food sticking out of mouth, slurping food very nosily

People falling in public

Hearing people:
"Oh are you okay ma'am? Let me help you..."

Deaf people:

"HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Doctors

Heaing people:

"Yeah, I got the doctors. It's a bit personal, sorry"

Deaf people:

"Aye, cause my balls are very swollen and I got a lump and my arse is bleeding! Bloody sore I'm telling you!"

Wellbeing

Hearing people

"You look rather tired! What did you do?"

Deaf people

"You look absolutely SHIT!"

Party introduction in the first 5 minutes

Hearing people:

"Hello... my name is David... I work as a manager for Starbucks..."

Deaf people:

"HELLO! My name is Heather! This is my signing name! I'm a business student at Strathclyde Uni! I'm 22, I'm a bisexual, I went to a mainstream school, all my family is hearing but my brothers are deaf, I got hearing aids though they found out I was deaf when I was one, I learnt BSL when I was 15, I've got a boyfriend but I broke up with my last girlfriend because she was such a cow and she cheated on me, see that guy? He fancies my best friend but he is such a creep, I had sex with that person before blah blah blah and so on and on and on"

Art/Photography Exhibition

Hearing people:

"Well... that is most certainly interesting..."

Deaf people:

"Oh my god that is SO shit! What the fuck is that supposed to be?"

Camps

Hearing people:
Knows a few people out of dozens of people

Deaf people:
Practically snogged half of the people at the camp

Fashion

Hearing people:
"That's... uhm... a nice skirt..."

Deaf people:
"Where did you get that fucking skirt? You look like Margaret fucking Thatcher!"

Airports

Hearing people:

Mostly no problems, apart of occasional cases of forgotten passports, wrong seats, wrong food types and similar problems

Deaf people (1):

"I'm deaf..."

"Oh... Do you need a wheelchair? Do you need your instruction in Braille?"

Deaf people (2):

"I'm deaf..."

"Oh okay come over here and sit with all those of obviously physically disabled people and elderly people and you will go on the plane first and other people will give you the evil eyes wondering why you're on it first!"
*feels guilty but then don't give a shit*

More will be added over time! If you have any extra, let me know please. Big thanks to everyone who contributed to this.

Shit People Say to a Deaf Lesbian

"You're too pretty to be gay."
"You're too ugly to be straight."

"You're too pretty to be deaf."
"You're too ugly to be 'hearing'."

"Oh my god, your English is so good!"

"You don't sound deaf!"

"You don't look deaf"

"You don't look gay at all"

"You don't dress like a lesbian!"

(When in a relationship)

"So which one of you are like the guy?"
The point of a lesbian relationship is that there is NO guys...

(When in a relationship)
"So, which one of you wears the trouser?"
"Well, neither of us. If you get it." Wink.

"Lesbian are just wannabe mens."

"I wish I was a lesbian! It would be easier!"

Really guys, ANYONE of any gender or sexuality can be cunts.

"How do you know? You haven't fucked a man before!"
"How do you know you won't like eating cat shit?"

"You're just doing it to get the attention from men."

(Friends)

"Is that girl gay? What about that girl? That girl?"

"Oh shit I dunno, let me just check my Gaydar watch!"

(Men)
"So do you want to join me and my girlfriend in bed?"

"But I thought deaf people aren't allowed to drive?"

"You're deaf? Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that..."
This violin is playing for your ignorance...

"But if you have a... hearing processor then you're not deaf right?"

Even more interesting, some deaf people have said this before...

(From deaf people about me having a cochlear implant)

"You want to be hearing right?!"

"Ew! Don't fancy me!"
"Sweet thing, don't fucking flatter yourself."

"So you're... gay... Right..."
"Don't worry, I only fancy pretty girls."

"Can you have children?"
"What do you mean? Because I'm gay?"
"But you can get IVF... I meant because you're deaf?"
Let me refer you to the anatomy of a woman's womb, thank you very much.

"Being a lesbian isn't normal"

"But how does lesbian have sex?"

"But it's not real sex..."

(Men... mostly!)
"Can I watch you both have sex?"

"Do deaf people have sex differently?"

Just... WHAT? It's not like Deaf people are aliens or something...

And last but not the least...

"So when you look at your own boobs, do you get horny?"
What. Even.